Cancer Etiquette

I find myself answering a great deal of correspondence as of late with comments like this: “My friend (sister/co-worker/niece/mom/aunt/etc) has just been diagnosed and I just don’t know what to say!”; and as a fantastic paradox, they think I might be able to supply them with some sage words of wisdom. Hilarious! As I am fresh out of sage words (but with plenty of thyme…couldn’t resist), I thought I would pass on a few tips on what NOT to say. And yes, some of them were actually passed my way by a few folks who will remain unnamed. For obvious reasons.

“WHAT are you doing in the ladies room? Oh wait, are you a girl?” – yes, if you are 6 feet tall and bald, people assume you are a boy and a basketball player.

“Gosh, I thought chemo was supposed to make you lose weight” – this one actually came from a habitual dieter.

“Really, a partial mastectomy? What side?” – from a gentleman who wasn’t looking at my eyes. ‘Gentleman’ term used loosely.

“It hardly looks like you are wearing a wig!” – hardly? I sort of look like I am wearing a wig?

“Get the purple wig, that will be the most fun” – never take advice from a 10-year-old theater buff.


“You look tired. I mean, I have never seen anyone look like that and still be mobile” – friend. No, really. Someone I actually consider to be friendly.

“They say if you are having a boy, your backside will get really big. I think you are having a boy. Maybe it’s just the chemo.” – from someone who, if that rule applied, would be carrying quintuplet boys. For several decades.

“Do you feel that now that you have lost some of your femininity?” – medical students. God love ‘em, they really do want to know everything.

“Come on, one little drink won’t hurt during chemo.” – Oncology nurse. Not kidding. She was plastered at the time, so that one shouldn’t count…

“Um, did you see that one supermodel who had cancer? She still looks really hot. Really. She doesn’t even look like she ever had kids, either.” – I don’t even want to tell you who said that one.

Harvesting Answers

FORT WAYNE, INDIANA - For some reason, this weekend was the time for soy-related emails. There was a recent news release that mentioned the safety/danger of breast cancer patients eating soy, and people have been asking my thoughts. I don’t dispense medical advice – period. Not ever, and I’m guessing that I never will. I defer to my own oncologists, who have told me to stay away from it; the reasons are tied to my specific type of cancer and what may or may not exacerbate my relationship with said cancer. So I’ll do my best to avoid it, that’s my answer. You should talk to your doctor, really. It’s funny, isn’t it? A plant that has been used in China for about 5 thousand years (give or take a millennia) is now the subject of hot controversy. My recollection upon seeing my first soy plant was ‘wow, gross. That plant is hairy’. Keep in mind, I grew up in Illinois. I’ve seen my share of soy plants, and don’t even get me started about the amount of corn I’ve walked. That being said, however, I really wanted to write this for a few reasons. First, I think everyone should know by now that eating stuff that grows right out of the ground is far better than anything processed. Second, even if you think that, ask your doctor anyway. If you don’t have the kind of relationship with your doc that allows for questions like this, perhaps it’s time to find a new one; this is your life, and you’ve put it in their hands. You need to be able to get answers when needed! Let me say in closing that, as a history buff, I take delight in the fact that soy saved this nation (or at least part of it). When the actions that promulgated the dust bowl – that’s a post for another time – caused the soil in the prairies to erode, they planted soy. So thank you, soy, and the beauty of crop rotation. Now go call your doctor.

Infamy

PEARL HARBOR, HAWAII - 1941. This is my daughter, looking at a site that will ‘live in infamy’ to borrow a quote. Over 2 thousand servicemen and 68 civilians were killed – 1,104 from the Arizona alone. Americans were taken completely by surprise, and it left a scar on the hearts of everyone who were from that generation (and some of us in other generations, too). To this day, the areas that were most affected are regarded as sacred ground. There are sections that most civilians don’t get to see, but are incredibly poignant. The house that many wounded were taken for triage still stands in its original condition, frozen in time and history. You can stand on Ford Island and right there, at your feet, are holes from the bullets fired from Japanese aircraft. When I went to speak to medical staff at Pearl and talk about cancer, I was privileged to get a special tour. My daughter, though young, will never forget what we saw there, and what she was told about the events. It’s not often that teenagers cry when visiting historic sites that their parents drag them to see, but she did. I did. Really, back in 1941, so did the nation. God Bless America.